Feeling Down...

some various thoughts/feelings of mine at the moment:


i feel like i keep coming to the same realizations over and over again despite how much my life continues to develop. i still think that one of my greatest blessings is also one of my greatest curses and i still feel as though i will forever be apart. i no longer feel alone, but i still feel apart. this may sound like whining, but i feel like people just don't understand me and very few take the time out to try and do so. i also feel torn between two different lives - which do i choose? it seems impossible for me to live both. once again, blessing and curse.

though i think i'm doing well overall, there are still times when i really miss Poppy. it's hard to believe it's been a year to this day that my life was forever changed. my memories are all good, i have no regrets or doubts about our relationship, and i know that i will never forget him or the lessons he taught me, but there are still moments where i just wish he was here. whenever i was feeling down, i knew i could count on him for his own special encouragment, strength, and love. he believed in me so much that he made me believe in myself. i would not be who i am today if it weren't for him. in many ways, he's still with me, but i still can't help but miss him sometimes...

The Hope of Nations

when asked why i believe God exists, one of my many responses (for the one that i am about to share is not my only reason) is that i cringe to think of a world in which God does not exist. when i respond thus, the logical connection for most is that my next point will depict a world of chaos and destruction, but that is not what i see. sure, it is possible that such a world could develop under such circumstances, but such a development is uncertain. instead, i assert that it would be a world lacking in true hope, purpose, and meaning. there are those who would argue that humans can create their own purpose and meaning, but what happens to that purpose and meaning when the humans who create it cease to exist? i assert that their purpose and meaning would die with them as they themselves would almost undoubtedly assert that their thoughts would die with them. to not believe in God means to not believe in a continuation of the human essence, or soul, and thus no continuation of the thoughts, ideas, and beliefs of the human. those same arguers may assert that if the purpose and meaning are passed on to subsequent generations, then they do not die with the humans that created them. they are correct to make such an assertion. however, what happens when the next generations cease to exist? it is foolish for anyone to believe that the physical human world will go on forever. both science and faith tell us that the world will end, so to say that humans will not physically exist forever is more than reasonable. believing in God means believing in that which will never end. furthermore, believing in God results in drawing purpose and meaning from that which will not die out with the one seeking purpose and meaning. Nor will it die out with the eventual death and end of subsequent generations. thus arrises hope. hope comes from a belief in something better. in a world with God, one can have belief in a meaning and purpose that are never-ending adn thus better than ones that do in fact end as would exist in a world without God. is seeking suck purpose, meaning, and hope a crutch? can't we just accept the fact that life is life, no more, no less? why bother believing in a god when the same tasks can be accomplished without the purpose, meaning, and hope that comes whith such belief? i assert that hope, purpose, and meaning are the driving forces which push humans to acheive, and, the greater hope, purpose, and meaning, the greater the achievement. why do humans strive for greater achievemnt? because they hope for a better future, because they have a purpose and meaning which push them toward that achievement. a world without God means a world without or, at best, with weak hope, meaning, and purpose that will inevitably cease to exist. In contrast, a world with God means a world with strong hope, meaning, and purpose that will not die out, thus resulting in greater achievement.

Story Time

on my recent mission trip to san fran (which was life-changing, much needed, and all around great), everyone told their "stories" to their small groups. i've had to tell my story once or twice before, and each time i usually talk about a specific part of my life, usually whatever is my big struggle at that moment in time. well, this time was no different, but i did notice something recently as i've thought back on the trip. although most people usually end up talking about their current problems at some point, a lot tell at least part of their life story leading up to the present. usually this "background information" includes events, be them positive or negative, which have shaped them into their current character and/or led to their current struggle. well, after arriving at this realization, it wasn't long before i jumped to the next one: i've never told my whole life story to anyone before. don't get me wrong, i've gotten very deep and been very open when i tell my different stories on the various trips, but i've never laid that foundation building up to my present troubles which so many others seem to create. after these realizations, i added a question to the mix - should i tell my "life story" and, if so, to whom? as simple as this sounds, it is a question that, as i'm typing, i realize i have asked myself countless times prior to this moment and as of yet i have not found the reason or what i suppose is courage to do so. nothing in my life is secret - as a collective entity, everyone knows what i've done and what i've gone through. however, as individuals, none of them knows everything. it's almost as if each has an incomplete timeline, with some being more complete than others. my immediate family (especially my mom) probably has the most detailed and extensive picture of me, but outside of that small circle i feel like everyone else has an incomplete view of my life. i understand that i shouldn't expect nor want everyone to know everything that i've gone through, but it came as a slight surprise when i realized that almost no one outside of my immediate family, not even my closest friends, has ever heard what major events in my life have led me up to and shaped me into my current state and i'm not even sure that my family knows it all (though my mom might).

so what do i do now? to be honest, i'm still not at all sure. really, the only change is that i now realize the full question i have been asking myself for so many years instead of just looking at a part of it. as with all great deliberations in my life, i will pray and wait for God to reveal the path or uncharted territory into which i must tread, but at least now i have realized the question for which i seek an answer.

Moody without a Motive

so i'm feeling kinda down right now and i have no idea why. maybe it's cause summer is coming to an end or because i miss san fran and being with everyone 24/7, but to be honest i really am not so sure why i'm feeling down. soccer tryouts went well today (coach didn't even show up!) and i spent almost all the rest of the day with friends from san fran so i have no idea why i'm sitting here feeling sad at the end of it all. then again, i get wierd at night (it's true, i get really wierd - often it's angry/agitated or depressed or loopy) and i know that i have those good old teenager mood swings every so often which are just so much fun. i think i'm gonna go to bed, a good night's sleep always seems to make me feel better - there's nothing like a fresh, brand new day.

Picture of Love

i would ask you to close your eyes during this, but then you wouldn't be able to read the instructions. so, try creating the images with your eyes open, or read each step, close your eyes, picture the image, open your eyes, go onto the next instruction, and move forward. ok, here we go.

1. think of the person you love most; they can be dead or alive. when i say love, i mean actual love, not a crush or infatuation, but true, you would do anything for them, love. if they are alive, good, if they are dead, i'm very sorry and ask that you would picture them alive.

2. think about why you love that person so much. take time to really put into words/thoughts what exactly caused you to care so much about another human.

3. now, remember your fondest memory involving this person. what makes that memory so fond? what did they do that made that event so memorable?

4. how much does this person know about you? how much of your life do/did you keep hidden from them? if you hid parts of your life, what moved you to do such? and how would the person respond if they knew about those parts of your life?

5. this is the final step and i really suggest trying to imagine this as best as you can. after having so much love for another human, what if they rejected you? what if suddenly they no longer cared about you, but only for themselves? how exactly would you feel? and what if you had to watch that person destroy themselves? despite all your love and best efforts, that person chooses to scorn you and take on a life that will inevitably result in their ruin and there's ultimately nothing you can do about it because free will allows them to make their own choices, be them good or bad. to put an image to this concept (this is rather gruesome, but it gets the point across), picture the person burning alive in front of your eyes. the one human being who you love most in the world is dying a horribly painful death while you watch. however, there is a giant pool of water right next to them, ready to douse the flames that engulf their body. you scream and yell and do everything within your power to get them to jump into the water, and they hear you, but they will not listen. you witnessed the death of the one person in the world who you cared about the most, and you can't help feel as though it all could have been prevented yet it couldn't have because in the end only we have the power to choose life or death for ourselves.

now i bet you're wondering why i asked you to go through this experience. it wasn't for my benefit, but instead hopefully for yours. go back to the second point. how many of those qualities do you see in yourself? i would think most of us would want to put to use those characteristics which we find admirable in others (especially the one person we love the most). the third point was to get you to get a clearer picture of the person in your head and to emphasize the reason for the second point. as for the fourth point, chances are that the parts of your life (if any) which you keep hidden from that person are those of which you are most ashamed. after all, if you love that person so much (and chances are they love you just as much because love grows off of love), then you must really be ashamed of what you did and afraid of what they would think of you if they knew. the reasons for the final point were to show how painful love can be, how we can only give love (and not take it), and how we ultimately only have control over ourselves.

on a more spiritual note, imagine that you are the love one, and that God is you. this really applies the most to the last point. the fire is sin and the water is the grace/life brought through Jesus. i don't consider myself to be a very 'preachy' person, so i won't really focus on the idea that God has provided for our salvation and it is up to us to accept or reject it. what i would like to bring attention to is how you felt when you pictured that scene. if you truly pictured it (and if you didn't i suggest you go back and do so), i imagine that you felt a great amount of pain. if only your love one would have just jumped in the water like you so fervently tried to get them to do! well think about how God feels when you reject His love. what you felt was probably only a fraction of how God feels. please don't think i'm trying to guilt you into anything, that's really not how i function. i simply wanted to share something i found interesting; a glimpse of what i firmly believe to be the feelings of the Almighty in regards to the sins of humankind. of course we can never actually 'put ourselves in God's shoes', but it i don't think it hurts to at least try to understand that which is impossible to fully understand.

Sad Realizations

so i have recently (though not very recently) come to two sad realizations:
1) i don't fit in with many people my age
2) i don't really have that many meaningful conversations anymore

i'll start with number one. as time has progressed, i continue to feel more and more as though i don't belong when i'm with people my age. now don't get me wrong, i have plently of fun and fit in with certain friends and get along well with many people my age, but with my age group as a whole i don't feel like i fit. i get along great with people older and younger than me, but for some reason which i've guessed at yet am not completely sure of, i don't quite like i'm in the right place when i'm surrounded by my peers. i have fun and get along with them, but i just feel like there's a gap in between me and them.

now for number two. this one suposedly isn't that uncommon for most people. according to one my friends, most people only have around 5 minutes of meaningful conversation a day. however, i feel like i used to have a lot more meaningful conversations with friends and just people in general than i do now. in fact, i'd say i even used to have more conversations that weren't even meaningful than i do now. once again, i can't exactly put my finger on a direct cause for this, but the fact of the matter is that i wish i talked to people (and that people would talk to me) more often about more than facts and something along the lines of "what's up?" followed by a "nothing much" (how lame and pointless is that exchange). more and more it seems like most conversations are about facts, plans, and pleasantries/formalities instead of two people legitimately having an interest in each others' lives and honestly wanting to hear what each other has to say.

i'll end with something kinda related (though not really) that someone told me that i think is very interesting and that i try to keep in my head:
You know you're in an argument when you're thinking of what to say next while the other person is still speaking. You're actually having a conversation when all you're doing is listening while the other person talks.

I Had a Dream

i don't have dreams very often and when i do have them i rarely remember them and when i do remember them they usually aren't that special but this one was kind of interesting.

i was in san francisco with basically my whole family on my mom's side including my recently deceased grandpa, Poppy. we were visiting some friends of ours who live in florida but apparently in my dream they moved to san francisco. my immediate family and i were the last ones to get there, and for one reason or another i didn't go say hi to everyone (they were all outside) and i just went inside. then one of my old friends (whom i haven't talked to or seen in a long time) came over and i hung out with them which is really weird cause 1) i was at someone else's house 2) i hadn't even said hi to everyone and 3) i don't really hang out with this person anymore. eventually i made my way outside where i was harrassed by my family members (mainly my mom and one of my aunts) for not having said hello in the first place. this may not sound so bad, but it was terrible! they were yelling at me a lot and they wouldn't let me get a word in or even defend myself! my one aunt was the worst and my mom wasn't much better and i ended up crying cause i was getting so upset and frustrated. i mean, i was balling and sobbing i was getting so upset, but at least my one aunt was trying to get everyone to back off me (she's usually pretty chill, even in real life). finally i got my defense out that i didn't say hi because i was tired, not feeling good, and my friend was over and i didn't want to ditch him, but that still wasn't good enough. so i went around (with a very wet and still crying face) and kissed and said hi to everyone, including Poppy. Poppy always stood up for me in real life and he did this time too (he didn't like to see his grandchildren upset). Poppy also helped calm me down and made me feel better, without saying a word (he never was much of a talker). my one uncle gave me a hug and seemed fine about the whole thing. i remember seeing our family friends when i got to the house, but they weren't there for me to greet and i don't remember greeting or seeing my brother, other uncle, or any cousins. i was still so upset that i got into our car and drove the half hour or a little more home (to illinois from san fran? messed up, right?) by myself even though, as with in real life, i only had my learning permit. actually, i started off with the car on auto pilot, but decided that would be too conspicuous and i might get caught. i drove down some weird roads and almost lost control until i met up with a busload (or maybe van load) of kids from school at this hotel. i'm not sure why they were there, but one of them whom i'm decent friends with gave me directions to get home (i didn't want to stay the hotel with them). i got home after having gotten to take my friend home with me as i'd wanted to, and eventually my family got home too. surprisingly, my mom wasn't that upset (though i still was). i was playing super smash bros in the basement when my friend, someone else(i think an older, maybe college/older high school female), and a younger kid (a boy) came down and started talking with me and things just kinda died out from there and i soon woke up.

so do i take any meaning from this? i'm not a very supersticious person, but i do not write something off immediately no matter how fantastic it may seem. so there were a few points in the dream i found particularly odd/interesting and here are my comments and speculations on their meaning and significance:

1) i was in san francisco - my mission trip there, my interest in californian colleges, and the fact that it was so close to home (in the dream) and that it was emphasized that i was there makes me wonder a bit about my future.

2)Poppy - i have moments where i really really really miss my grandpa. he was one of my favorite if not my favorite person in the whole world and i notice his abscence, especially when i'm with my family and certain family friends (especially those who were in my dream). his calming me down and not adding to my already very upset state without having to really do anything except be there reminds me that Poppy really was, and continues to be, a source of strength in my life. it was also nice to see him again... i do miss him so so much.

3)my old friend - if it seems like i've had some kind of explanation or insight to the previous points (which i don't think i do) then i'm sorry to say that i have no idea about this one, i just find it odd that it was this person. i don't really think about him anymore and he wasn't even one of my best friends, yet i still cared about not being rude or leaving him out. i got pretty upset in the dream when i realized i had accidently ditched him and i don't even talk to this person anymore! maybe this means i should talk to this person again? i might give it a try (we didn't leave on bad terms in any way whatsoever).

4)the kids from school - my choice to not stay with the kids from school might point to the fact that i really don't get too close to people from my school. i don't feel like i've connected really well with any of them (for various reasons which i don't want to go into) and i already have some really close and good friends through church. however, just as in real life, they are very helpful and i'm on good terms with them (except for a few people, but you can't please everyone).

5)the ending - my mom not freaking out was a nice surprise (that's why it was a dream) and the identity of the last few people was unclear. me playing super smash bros has been very common lately, and i think it's kinda funny that i would dream about it (maybe i should back off it).

The Dark Knight

so i watched the dark knight for the second time tonight (after first seeing it in movies) and it was still an incredible experience. the sound track alone is phenomenal and the special effects and plot twists make it unbelievably good. the only bad part is that heath ledger died and now they can't make even more movies with him as the joker. he did such a good job and really made the whole movie. if it weren't for the chilling and disturbing performance of the joker, i'm not so sure it would have been such a success. well, i'm all fired up from the intensity of that film which means i won't be going to bed any time soon, but i guess that doesn't matter cause it's summer :)

Over Thinking

i have this really bad habit of thinking too much. i've gotten very used to using my mind for just about everything and i think i'm using it a little too much. this may sound kinda ridiculous, but at a certain point my thoughts are just useless and almost harmful. i create scenarios and reasons for events in my head that never actually existed and probably won't ever happen. i try to anticipate and speculate when sometimes there's nothing to anticipate and speculate about, and, as it turns out, the truth is simple and right in front of me. however, now that summer has started, i've tried to slow myself down a bit and ease off the excessive neuron activity. so far it's working pretty well, and i actually catch myself over thinking and immediately drop the thought.

It's About Time

so i finally decided to make a blog despite the fact that i never really wanted to and still am not so sure about it. hopefully this will turn out well and i won't just fill up internet space with my random thoughts that usually come up at night and are often less than pleasant. i should probably be studying for finals right now, but i'm feeling kinda sick and don't want to do such at all. maybe i finally made a blog to give me another reason to distract myself. oh well, here's hoping that this turns out well...